We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Randomize
