Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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