i think my tv is drunk
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
