My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
