I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
