the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
