Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
