found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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