You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
