Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How does one acquire holy water?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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