Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
