i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
