my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
