I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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