It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
