i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
