Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
