WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
