I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
