you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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