So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
