Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
