I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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