Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
