Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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