I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
