This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
