I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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