Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
