After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
