Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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