I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
