Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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