I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
