Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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