i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
