I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
