i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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