Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
