Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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