im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
