I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
