I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
