I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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