I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
