I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
