either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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