I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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