When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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