he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
