god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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