maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
