I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
