I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
