You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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